So often in my practice I hear complaints about differing levels of libido in partners. One partner has more interest and desire than the other.
What to do? I have to say that frequently I don’t have the answer. That is, I think to myself, “Ok, you want to have a lot of sex and you don’t. I guess you’re at an impasse.”
However, as we know, there is more to sex than just the biological urge. Attitudes and beliefs that are formed through experiences with family, peer groups, society, religion, culture etc. have an enormous impact on our sexuality as do our lifestyle, health and the pressures and stresses that we experience day in and out.
A few months ago a couple came to see me. The wife said, “I am hypersexual. I just want to have sex all the time. What’s wrong with me?” Her husband, a gentle, warm man said, “I really never think about sex at all. I just don’t seem to have the urge to have sex. Ever. What’s wrong with me?”
How much sex is enough? Is there something “wrong” with either of them? Our culture would probably agree with this couple that something is wrong with each of them.
She is too sexual! It is still a taboo for women to want too much sex or to want sex too much! Recently, at a party, a woman confessed to loving sex, and lots of it! The mixed group (of men and women) whose conversation had meandered into this important territory, giggled and some blushed. I thought, “Hmmm, we are still somewhat puritanical in some part of our being when we think of a woman who both wants and needs a lot of sex.”
And what about a man who isn’t interested in sex? Is there something wrong with him? Society seems to frown on men who aren’t robust, so to speak. The alpha male type is still a widely accepted ideal of masculinity. Men have been taught to “go for it”, that they are or should be hunters and warriors both on the battle field and in the bed. I know that these are generalizations, but I do sometimes wonder if there is a place in our society for a soft spoken man who is not so interested in sex?
From my point of view, this woman and man fall somewhere on a continuum in terms of sexual drive, interest and activity. Could it be that there isn’t anything “wrong” with either of them and that it is our expectations that they be some other way that defines them as outside the norm?
For some, identifying as living outside the norm and the process of adjusting to what that means is already a part of living a polyamorous life. There seems to be a perception both inside and out of the poly community that polyamorists have strong libidos and are constantly on the looking for the next catch. While this may be true for some, it is certainly not so for all! The poly umbrella includes a lot of diversity. It encompasses a broad array of relationship constellations and sexual identities as well as appetites that can’t be easily reduced to single dimensions.
Can we find a way to accept people for who and where they are sexually? Can we find a way to accept ourselves where we are sexually? Expectations are like ghosts hanging around in the closet. Can we clean out the closet and feel freer to be who we are sexually and in other ways as well?
Let me know what you think. Your comments are welcome.