All posts by Julie Diamond

Building Trust

building trust

by Julie Diamond, Ph.D.

Julie Diamond, Ph.D. is a colleague and former therapist, who has turned her attention to the issues facing organizations.  In the blog below she talks about a human dilemma that is not limited to work life – trust. As you read it, consider where in your life trust is missing and what you might do to build it or break it.

Last month, The World Summit on Organizational Development met here in Portland, Oregon, my home town. Among other things, I had the pleasure of attending this plenary session byAdam Kahane“Doing Organizational Development Beyond the Organization: What It Takes to Solve Today’s Toughest Problems.” 

I loved his talk. It was insightful and practical. And funny. Speaking of collaboration, Kahane put up a slide listing requirements for effective collaboration among diverse and even antagonistic stakeholders. The usual suspects were there: common vision, agreement on goals, trust, etc. And then one by one, he debunked them. The reality of what it means to collaborate in the 21st century is this: knowing how to have conflict, working without trust, and foregoing the luxury of shared goals and visions.

And then Kahane said this, a phrase I’ve used many times: trust is not a precondition to working together, it’s the result. Let me say it again: trust is not a precondition, it’s an outcome.

The assumption that we begin with trust, is not just naïve, it’s also not possible.

And yet, I hear it all the time with the teams and organizations I work in and with. When I ask what the problem is, people often say “We don’t trust each other,” or “we need more trust on this team.” I don’t get it. The lack of trust is the result, not the cause. How can there to be trust before teamwork?

When people speak about trust in this way, they’re not talking about building teamwork but guaranteeing it: “First create the conditions for perfect success by demonstrating you will never disappoint me, thus proving to me you are 100% trustworthy, and then we can work together.”

Life doesn’t work like that. We cannot place our capacity to act and succeed in the actions of another. We cannot mitigate risk. We cannot guarantee success at the outset. Not in the workplace, and not in relationships. We get involved with untested people. We commit, marry, sign a mortgage and have children with people who have not been vetted. Why? Because it takes a long time to really know someone.

And what about us? We’re also unproven. We don’t know ourselves fully either. We cannot know who we will be in five years. Life changes us. Loss, grief, financial and family struggles change our value systems and our outlook. Even moment to moment, we cannot be fully honest about our motivations and feelings. We have limits, conflicts, and stresses of which we know nothing.

And this brings me to the second problem with trust. If we do make the conceptual leap I’m describing, and see that trust has to be earned, the next misconception involves how to earn it.

How do we earn trust? By proving ourselves trustworthy of course.

But that’s impossible. No one is ever fully trustworthy. The dirty little secret behind the billion dollar “trust and teamwork” industry is that being fully trustworthy is not possible.

We’re going to disappoint people. We are going to prove ourselves untrustworthy. As long as there is some part of us of which we’re not fully aware, as long as we are growing beings, we will have blind spots. We will say one thing, feel another, and do yet another, without being cognizant of it.

  • We say yes, and override our exhaustion, because we don’t want to disappoint people, but we don’t have the energy to follow through.
  • We agree to help because we’re driven by a need to be useful, but we’re over-committed and drop the ball.
  • We are desperate for recognition so we join a team with a high profile but feel out of our depths and can’t really deliver what we’ve said we would.
  • We get hurt when our idea is rejected, and then become unconsciously obstructionist and difficult to work with

There are a million reasons why, in any given moment, our behavior undermines our trustworthiness.

So, how do we build trust? Whom do I trust, if no one is fully trustworthy?

I trust people who make mistakes, fail to meet their goals, let me down, and can admit it, apologize, and be honest about their shortcomings.

Trust is developed not by avoiding mistakes and conflicts, but by making and repairing them. Trust is not developed by making good on your word, but on what you do after you break it.

Here’s what builds trust, in my experience:

  1. Stop measuring trust as an all or nothing deal. I can be trusted for some things, but not others. Know what you can’t be trusted on, and make sure people know that. Befriend the fact that people are inherently unreliable, and learn to work with it, instead of pretending you can prevent it.
  2. Learn how to identify and admit your shortcomings. The more we know our limits, and can discuss them with others, the more forewarned and thus forearmed everyone is. Our desire to be perfect makes us hide our shortcomings, and this makes us untrustworthy.
  3. Master the art of apology. People who cannot apologize are protecting themselves at the expense of the teamwork. Apologies are not just admitting wrongdoing, and saying you’re sorry. Apologies must also include understanding, and expressing your empathy over the discomfort or difficulty that the other person experienced as the result of your actions. Unless you know and feel what your actions resulted in, you’re not really apologizing.

We will disappoint each other. But it’s what happens afterwards that builds trust. If you can have an honest conversation about your own and the others’ limitations and issues, the things that make you both untrustworthy, then you have just put into place the foundation for trust.

A Primer on Growth and Change

PIC-0020-225x300What is growth? What kinds of changes do face?  How does growth and change occur?  How long does it take to change?  Trainer, consultant and author, Julie Diamond, Ph.D., offers insights into change that should resonate with therapists and clients alike.  Julie is author of Power: A User’s Guide and A Path Made by Walking (with Lee Spark Jones).

by Julie Diamond, Ph.D.

The older I get the more I realize that many of the things I found insurmountable when I was younger changed when I wasn’t looking. In my early twenties I struggled with intense jealousy. It was crazy. If two of my friends even just talked on the phone I would feel insanely left out. And I hated being alone, to the point where the thought of having to be alone for extended period of times sent me into a panic. I spent 99% of my energy working on those two things.  They felt permanent and overwhelming, and seemed to define me. I look back on them now and not only are they gone, but I don’t even remember when they left. It’s as if, one day, they just packed their bags and left.

But now I know they didn’t just leave. I got bigger. As I explored myself to find why spending time alone was so bad, I grew in self-awareness. As I wrestled with a nasty inner critic (that fanned the flames of jealousy) I grew in confidence. My sense of self grew bigger in relationship to my fears and anxieties.

When I work with people on their personal and professional development now, I think in terms of this distinction: What kind of change process is this? What needs to change, the behavior or the attitude towards it? Will this change of its own accord, and if not, what kind of efforts are needed? I find it helpful in working with people to parse their problems into types of issues and types of change.

So here’s my little Primer on Personal Growth and Change, and it starts with the question: What is the nature of the thing we’re tackling?

Is it a complex, trigger, or edge?

We all have scars forged in life’s battles and sometimes they get aggravated under the right conditions. These “triggers” or complexes create zones of non-navigability, and in some situations, they make us insecure and ineffective. These things rob us of our freedom. They are fears that inhibit us, triggers or emotional reactions that hijack our behavior, and moods that makes us feel dejected or dispirited.

These things can and do change, but only with sustained effort and awareness. Their roots are often tangled in past experiences. And sometimes the process of working on it is its own solution. Like me in my twenties, working on jealousy and phobias, unpacking, examining, and working through my fears and complexes changed me.   While you’re distracting yourself by focusing on these triggers, you’re also growing a solid sense of self. In fact, these things take hold only to the degree that your sense of self (Big “S” Self) is small. Working on these old patterns and stories increases your self-awareness, and helps you carve out a deep and abiding center, capable of facing of life’s challenges.

Am I struggling with my nature?

Sometimes we struggle not with a complex or fear, but with our own nature. We don’t like ourselves, or some part of ourselves. We all grow up in a context that prizes some behaviors and disavows others. And so we grow up wanting to fit in, and be like others. We think we’re too loud and try to be quieter. We struggle being an introvert in an extroverted family. We’re called hyperactive, so we try to chill out. It’s in the nature of a culture to prize some behaviors over others in order to socialize its members to adapt and survive.

Yet some things won’t, and can’t change. They belong to us, like white on rice, part and parcel of our incarnation. These are our unique traits, and like them or not, they are the raw material from which you form yourself. Your traits are the hand you are dealt in the poker game of life, and learning to play that hand is the only option you have.

Traits become a great source of strength and wonderful talents, once we grow comfortable with them and use them to their fullest. If we are comfortable in our introversion, others will be too. If we come to appreciate our bossiness and see it as potential leadership, it will be a great ally for us. If we can discover what’s good about being easy going and conflict avoidant, we can make it work to great advantage.

So, changing, in this regard, means acceptance, changing our attitude towards ourselves, or maybe changing what we do or who we socialize with, so that our traits more naturally fit in, and are better appreciated and put to use.

Do I need to learn something new?

Learning isn’t for the faint of heart. The more I work with people on their personal and professional growth, the more I appreciate the complexity of learning.

Learning is a behavior we have to learn! But we aren’t taught how to learn. In fact, many of us were taught how not to learn by focusing on being right and avoid making mistakes. And then we make it worse by trying to compensate  against that, and defensively embracing ourselves as we are, seeing doubts or challenges as a threat or injury to our self-esteem.

When change means learning something new, it can be straightforward, but often it’s not. Because to learn, and learn well, we need a loving ability to hold ourselves at the edge of discomfort. Learning requires a good mix of muscle, self-love, and endurance. And we need to set ourselves up for success by breaking things down into manageable bites so we don’t get overwhelmed. We need the freedom to make mistakes, but also the discipline to examine them and learn from them.

Change and growth isn’t just a straight path from A to B. It’s a process. Thankfully. There’s a lot to discover along that path, as long as we take time to discover what kind of change process we’re in.

Julie will be in Chicago in April!

On Friday, April 1, Julie will be talking about power and reading from her new book, Power: A User’s Guide, at the KPACT event, 6-8 pm, at Tribe Healing Arts Center. 2 APA-approved CEs available.  

On Sunday, April 3, LifeWorks will host a day-long workshop with Julie for psychotherapists, entitled Beyond Ethics: Power in the Helping Relationship. 4.5 APA-approved CEs available.

Beliefs and Success: What Box Did You Crawl Out Of?

Julie-Leaderlab-2015Beliefs and success – are they connected? How much do your expectations influence your ideas about success? And where do those deeply-held beliefs originate?

My friend and colleague, Julie Diamond, has written extensively about these issues, and we would like to share the following article, which originally appeared on her site.

Julie is an executive coach and leadership consultant who helps individuals and organizations create cultures of learning and growth. Her clients have ranged from Fortune 500 companies to law enforcement agencies to nonprofits. She is also one of the original founders of the Process Work Institute (PWI), a not-for-profit graduate school dedicated to research and training in process-oriented facilitation. Julie’s upcoming book, Power: A User’s Guide, is due for publication early next year.

by Julie Diamond, Ph.D., Dipl. PW

One day, early in my career as a therapist, I complained to my colleague about my struggle being effective with certain kinds of issues. In particular, I easily felt defeated by chronic issues. Each week, my client would come to work on the same set of problems, without any indication of improvement. I know, I know. Now I know—and can appreciate—that we all pretty much have the same set of issues our whole lives, but at the time, I found it difficult. My colleague looked at me and asked, “What box did you crawl out of?”

I must have looked pretty baffled, because she quickly added, “I mean, what did you study first, at the university?”

Unsure what that had to do with our discussion, I said, “Education.”

“Ah,” she said, “that explains it. You’re probably most engaged with clients and issues where there is a sense of progress related to learning.” A lightbulb went on for me at that moment, and has been on ever since.

Each of us comes into this world with particular, even peculiar fascinations and interests, passions and proclivities. Some of it comes from what we’re exposed to, but some of it is already pre-programmed. For lack of a better word, I call this our orientation, our approach to life, and to people, learning, and ideas.

It’s not hard to discover your orientation, but often times we take it for granted. Ask yourself, what box did you crawl out of? As a kid, did you collect bugs? Read fantasy or science fiction? Cook with your grandmother? Organize other kids into sports teams? Go off by yourself and look at clouds? What was your first area of study?

Why is this important?

As a coach and supervisor, I am in the people business, and I work with a lot of practitioners in the people business, in the business of human change and growth. Outcomes for progress in these areas are fuzzy, at best.

Along with the complexity of defining change and growth, whether we’re aware of it or not, our orientation defines progress and success.

Think about it. If you have an orientation towards health and healing, your sense of progress is tied to your client’s overall sense of wellness. Yet if your orientation, like mine, is to education, then your sense of accomplishment is tied to learning. Things like insight and understanding make you feel you’re doing a good job. If your orientation is art or creativity, your sense of doing well may be tied to your client’s ability to express herself, or to feel creative and impactful in her life.

Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we carry an orientation to life that influences not just how we work with people, but our feelings of success. This orientation is a mishmash of things we’re born with, things we’re exposed to, and things we develop and cultivate. It’s reflected in our interests, values, temperament, and cognitive style. And it exerts subtle and not-so-subtle influences in our work, defining our choice of focus and our preferred methods, biasing us towards some outcomes more than others, even creating preferences for some issues over others. Ask yourself, when you work with someone, or with a group on their process of development, what kinds of responses make you feel successful? Do you look for verbal appreciation, such as a thank-you? Or do you feel complete only when an issue is resolved or solved? Or does the client’s increased understanding and learning trump the resolving of the issue?

Even though you are, as Marshall Goldsmith calls it, mission neutral, no doubt some problems or processes excite you more than others, while others exhaust you, or stress you out. And what about methods? Which ones do you gravitate towards and which do you avoid or feel awkward doing? Which ways of working feel more natural, fun, or interesting for you?

Those of us who work with people tend to attract particular kinds of clients; this isn’t random, though it may be in the beginning, but is often also a reflection of our style and method. Who tends to seek you out? Who doesn’t?

For more about Julie and to read an excerpt from Power: A User’s Guideclick here.